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18 February 2008 @ 11:02 pm
Fic - Reita/Ruki  
LMFAO. Okay, so I originally wrote some cracky shit to projection on aim at 8 AM and I decided that it was epic enough to warrant being written out to a fic and posted for the world to see. :) If you can't handle crude and possibly offensive jokes about the GazettE I advice you to stop reading now. I love the GazettE, and this is just a cracky parody for fun.
If you on the other hand, have a sense of humour, please enjoy this. :) It's not often I write crack!

the GazettE, mentioned Dir en grey - some Reita/Ruki, mentioned Kyo/Ruki, very briefly mentioned Kai/Ruki. R; crude language, jokes about pedophilia, beastiality, homosexuality, etc. 1165 words.

Once upon a time there was a band called Kart+923u4+mai'molkosso that consisted of:

An emo midget fag with OCD who was called Ruki and who wrote wangsty poetry that he called lyrics and sounded like a whiny girl when he sang. No one told him that though out of fear for his wrath, and by wrath they really meant him crying in his blog about what mean poopyheads everyone was. No one wanted that to happen because it was incredibly annoying.

The bassist Reita who was flaming gay but tried to hide it by covering his faggy little nose with a stripe of fabric over his nose. He thought it made him look more manly and mysterious while in reality it just made him look more like the fag he was.

The slutty guitarist Uruha who fucked everything that breathed, which includes your mum, your neighbour's dog and your 5 year old little sister. I'm so sorry. No wait, scratch the breathing thing, as he was also a furry and a necrophiliac.

The greasy guitarist Aoi who would've been as much of slut as Uruha if anyone actually wanted to fuck him, which no one did because he smelled worse than that shit-covered bum on the street. Which was also why his band mates shunned him, and why he never got laid. The only ones that actually wanted to fuck him were 15 year old obese fangirls who loved everything greasy, but Aoi unfortunately was too much of a fag to be into girls.

And the drummer Yune who no one knew anything about because he wasn't interesting at all. After they had released two singles Yune mysteriously disappeared and has not been heard of since. It is rumoured that he raped Ruki and was sent to China to work in the coal mines as punishment for turning Ruki into even more of an emo fag.
He was replaced by a 50-year-old pedophile named Kai who disguised himself as a 20-something-year-old with dimples as to not alarm the kids he liked to prowl on.

Kart+923u4+mai'molkosso soon realised that no one could actually pronounce their band name and changed name to Fagzette---Sorry, Gazette, because it was easier to say and not because it actually meant anything.

Gazette's biggest idols were the epic Dir en gay, sorry, Dir en grey, and Ruki fapped to their vocalist Kyo every night while crying because he knew that Kyo would never fuck him. It turned out that he was wrong about that when he one day met his big idol, and Kyo who was a narcisstic fuck got off on Ruki because he looked like him.
"It's like fucking myself!" he said as he took Ruki's ass-virginity. Sadly, Kyo only wanted a one-night-stand while Ruki wanted Kyo to be his gay lover. After that Dir en grey and Gazette became mortal enemies because Ruki's emo faggotry reached new heights.
"He took my ass-virginity and didn't even call back!" was what Ruki wailed as he cried into Reita's manly arms.

In order to gain more publicity Gazette, who had randomly changed their name to the GazettE and making every literate person out there twitch from the irritating capitalised E, whored themselves out to a jewelry company called GayCemry. And when I say 'whored' I mean it literally.

Ruki was bukkaked on by diamonds which he then posed with on his face in the company's ad. He also signed a contract that forced him to wear a suit made out of an old smelly rug for the upcoming two-hundred years. He was also forced to participate in GayCemry's Bukkake Day that was once every year.

The leftovers from Bukkake Day was used to style Reita's hair which is why it looked like someone had jizzed in his hair and like he'd just let it dry into some bizarre spiky shit. His hair would eventually become the death of one of his hair stylists. R.I.P Hair Stylist nr. 4783274.

GayCemry sponsored Aoi with shampoo, but unfortunately he didn't know what to do with it so instead he drank it and because of the chemicals fucking him up he started to dress like an old dragqueen and play bizarre double-necked guitars.

Kai was sponsored with botox to preserve his youthful appearance, but unfortunately it only made his face stuck in one facial expression that he could never change from. Even more unfortunate was the fact that it was a facial expression that made him look old and that's how the rumours about his true identity started to surface.

Uruha fucked everyone on the company into happiness which is why he ended up looking the least mockable unlike the rest of GazettE's whiny sarcastic faggots. A little accident when Uruha tried to fuck a hairdryer ended up making his hair look like a bush which was a bit unfortunate. Nothing helped the fact that he still looked like a complete fag, though.

the FagzettE, sorry again, GazettE, all desperately needed to get laid, except Uruha who got laid too much. Especially Aoi since not even the crackwhore house down the block wanted him.

Ruki constantly cried in his blog about being sick, when in reality he meant that he was so sexually frustrated that he could've fucked his pets--had he been into beastiality like Uruha.

Reita on the other hand made up for his lack of sex by building muscles and pretending to be a manly straight man when he really found girls icky. Maybe because the only girls that wanted to fuck him were prepubescent stalkers that threw their used panties at him on stage which sent him into such a great shock he almost dropped his noseband, nearly revealing his secret gay identity.

Kai's only form of sex was his right hand while he jerked off to pictures of kids under 10 on the Internet. He would sometimes molest Ruki because he acted like he was 8 sometimes and that turned Kai on. Unfortunately for Kai Ruki found him creepy as hell and once again went to cry in Reita's manly arms.

"Stop crying man, it's gay," were the comforting words Reita uttered and that's when Ruki knew it was true love. He confessed his undying love for Reita there and then and Reita punched him in the face as a token of love and they lived unhappily ever after.

Aoi never got laid and died a smelly virgin without friends except that bum who smelled worse than him. R.I.P GREASEBALL.

Uruha died at the age of 30 after a stroke induced by too much sex. R.I.P CUMSLUT.

Kai was eventually caught by the police after deciding to meet up with a hot 6 year old he had met on the Internet, whom turned out to be a big cop who assraped Kai with his fist 'til the little pedo was crying. He was then thrown in jail where he still is, becoming the bitch to the big serial killer Meatloaf.

真緒howlingpig on February 18th, 2008 11:34 pm (UTC)
ooops wrong journal lol oh well oh well


I feel this is an accurate report of a historical event that belongs in textbooks worldwide. Bravo.
poisonkira on February 19th, 2008 01:09 am (UTC)
Re: ooops wrong journal lol oh well oh well
8D *pulls out WORLD history book and draws crying Ruki and slutty Uru everywhere* LOOK AT THE WONDERS YOU INDUCE. xDDDD
☆★  ∵ ポン[Ash]ポン  ∵  ☆★k_laker on February 19th, 2008 12:36 am (UTC)


I'm dead. This is so epic. <3


x_nihilistic on February 19th, 2008 12:42 am (UTC)
Kittycherryrazor on February 19th, 2008 12:52 am (UTC)

I laughed so hard that my stomach hurts and my eyes are watering!

Kudos for you!!

poisonkira on February 19th, 2008 01:16 am (UTC)
XDDD OMG. *death*

Poor, slimy Aoi. I'd fuck him, though. 8D

The bassist Reita who was flaming gay but tried to hide it by covering his faggy little nose with a stripe of fabric over his nose.
LOL I KNEW IT. Silly Reita, you can't hide your love for boiz (esp. Ruki =3)

I think Uruha covers every fetish known to man (and then some) BTW. When is bukakke day? I forget. |D
you drained my heart and made a spade.princessfetish on February 19th, 2008 02:50 am (UTC)
Bukkake Day is on Ruki's birthday. |D So he gets a nice cumshower every time he becomes a year older. :)
mareilling on February 19th, 2008 01:31 am (UTC)
I loooove the witty fics ö.ö
Chriswarumono_girl on February 19th, 2008 01:41 am (UTC)
i'm dying from laughter XD~~~~~~

good job !
(づ。◕‿‿◕。)づ: naoxsagajyusou on February 19th, 2008 02:08 am (UTC)
Oh my fucking GAWD! This was pure WIIINNNN!!! They're all such sad little fa- I mean, people.

*mems it* thank you so much for this. Made my DAY!
K O A L A: kissuteh_chaney on February 19th, 2008 02:19 am (UTC)
God Kiri, Ilusm. <3333
you drained my heart and made a spade.princessfetish on February 19th, 2008 02:32 pm (UTC)
Ilu2 Chantel <3333
「ナオ子」♪athenstorm on February 19th, 2008 02:40 am (UTC)

you win.
jrock_lifejrock_life on February 19th, 2008 04:43 am (UTC)
this is so much funnier because i know what bukkake is... and i imagine ruki with this....

D/: face... its hard to interpret through computer... -_-...

He also signed a contract that forced him to wear a suit made out of an old smelly rug for the upcoming two-hundred years.

lol.... me and my friend said that that outfit was if....
"Snoop dogg found a time travelling machine, and went back in time to Helen Kellers house, killed her, and raped her... then along with her blood, jizzed on the curtains in a funky pattern, and buried it in her backyard... only to go back to the 21st century, un bury it, and sell it as high fashion... he also took a detour in 1970's to see Foxy Brown, thats why its a lesiure suit...."

yeah... kinda graphic... but it was funny. (we have weird sense of humor?!)
unmei_no_deai on February 19th, 2008 09:56 am (UTC)
I shall now proceed to rape you, and this fic, with love.

Let the rape commence.

That was EPIC.

You should be an author.
maimyra_heart_pon on February 19th, 2008 10:29 am (UTC)
ROFL!!! this is a complete win!!! couldn't stop laughing!! you should do this to other bands! XDD
Ju~chandix_est_infini on February 19th, 2008 10:52 am (UTC)

Aureusdesastreparfait on February 19th, 2008 11:25 am (UTC)

Thank you for making my shitty day better. XD

Once upon a time there was a band called Kart+923u4+mai'molkosso

I totally lmao-ed at that cos srsly, no one knows how to pronounce the actually band name itself. >_____>;; uberslut!Uruha made me lmao too. XD

Once again I loved this. ^^
you drained my heart and made a spade.princessfetish on February 19th, 2008 02:31 pm (UTC)
I totally lmao-ed at that cos srsly, no one knows how to pronounce the actually band name itself.

Me neither, seriously, that's why I just had to make fun of it. :D
(no subject) - desastreparfait on February 19th, 2008 04:01 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - princessfetish on February 19th, 2008 04:25 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ko_kun on February 20th, 2008 01:26 am (UTC) (Expand)